Last May I went on a yoga retreat with Belize Yoga. The trip ended on Thatch Caye, a small private island with nothing more than a small eco-resort. At the end of class one evening, laying in the shade of a palapa, surrounded by the crystal blue Caribbean Sea, Jessie lead a guided meditation. The short version: You’re at the dock surrounded by everything from your life – your possessions, your family, your friends… and the boat is waiting for you. What do you take with you?
I was stunned by this unassuming question. I went through a mental checklist. No, no, no. No. In my meditative state, all I wanted was for me to be on the boat. Alone. Save for someone to drive it. (I don’t know how to drive a boat, after all.)
This was so profound to me. How could I want nothing and no one I love? AND want someone else to drive?! When I got home and told Jane about it, I cried. Probably a lot. It’s like my personal identity was shattered. But the truth is, I was struggling and just wanted someone, anyone but me, to take the lead and steer me in a new direction without any obligations, or burdens.
I think more people feel that way than we realize. It can be hard to admit those feelings to yourself and even harder to admit them to others. But you have to recognize them and let them go and find the strength to move on, even if you have to steer the boat yourself.