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Monthly Archives: February 2012

calendar of hate – no, really

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I hate having low self-esteem.

Yepp.

After Andi’s post last week I found it particularly amusing that this was my calendar page on Friday. And yes, G and I bought a calendar of hate to keep us entertained at work. That is all.

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Drunken Appreciation

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Have you ever had one of those nights where you think to yourself that you are blessed?

 

You probably have. I have. The problem is that when the sun rises and the alcohol wears off, I’m right back into my doom and gloom attitude where I cannot see the positives and think that my life is nothing but a challenge.

 
This is why I am writing tonight. I may be a bit on the drunk side of life (4 martinis will do that to you) but I cannot express to you how many times I realized tonight that I have amazing people around me and if I have these wonderful people around me, I must not be so terrible, right?

A while ago, a few of my friends and I decided to form a “literature and liquid” group. Basically, a book club for people who care a little more about drinking than talking about the book (really, I think we spoke about our most recent read for about 90 seconds!). The purpose of the group is to talk about the book we have read but also to remember to connect to each other outside of work. Tonight was one of those nights.

Allow me to indulge my loving self right now. I cannot get over how wonderful these women around me are. I really feel so blessed I could burst and I am, at the same time, so sad that tomorrow I may forget it all. There are three women in the group. The first, MW, is like a sister, a mother, a best friend, a mentor, a colleague, and a master chef all rolled into one. My life would feel so absent without her. The second, MB, is stunning. And, I mean that—absolutely stunning. Her personality and her beauty have yet to be matched by anyone I’ve met. She listens. She cares. Truly cares. The third, MC (yes, all of their names start with “M”), is so very strong. I listen to her speak about her choices and her life and I wonder how anyone could be so resolute and strong in their decisions.

I admire all of these women and I think to myself, based upon my viewpoint of myself, how in the world do these women enjoy themselves around me? But, the truth is, they do. MW tells me so often, “You are my favorite.” I don’t know that she will ever know how much that means to me. Even if she doesn’t mean it (which in my drunken haze I really think she does) it has such an impact on what I think of my “true” self. I hope someday I remember to thank her for what she has done for me. 

And, then I’m brought to my thinking about this blog and my fellow Kousanahan—Roya. I’ve been in 14 weddings. 14!! I’ve listened to the long speeches and thought, “I’m not going to wait until I get married to let the people I love know what I think of them.” Shame on me for not doing this sooner. I struggle with low self-esteem and I know Roya is struggling with life. Who doesn’t? But, damn, if Roya could just see herself through my eyes for one minute—hell, 30 seconds—I think her life would be transformed. She is beautiful. Kind. Funny. Contrary. Honest. Loyal. Loving. Stunning. She is one of those individuals that I’m blessed to have in my life—one of those individuals that when I’m around I think “how am I worthy of being around her?” She is the person who has saved me from myself many times over the past several years and I wonder if I will ever be able to repay her for what she has done, is doing, and will do for me in the future.

This blog post is a ramble.  But I do it in hopes that people realize that while it is great to realize how blessed we are when we feel uninhibited (i.e. drunk!), it is even better to be able to remember this when we are completely “with it.”

 
Hug your friends. Recognize their brilliance. See that if they are around you—you too are fabulous!!!

ALERT: Low Self-Esteem!!

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Allow me to vent for a few moments to publishers and authors. If you want someone to read your books, don’t make the covers so embarrassing.

Let me explain.

Last month, my therapist handed me the book “Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem.” He wants me to read it. Anyone that knows me knows that I can read really quickly but I prefer to take my books with me when I go out so I can read any chance I get. With this book, there is no option to do that unless I am perfectly comfortable with feeling as if I am being judged.

Let’s be clear. I have low self-esteem. I am NOT okay with feeling like I am being judged!

What stupid publisher (I know but I’m going to make you work for it) would say, “We have a book about low self-esteem. We should slap a bright red cover on the book with the title of the book so clearly that it looks like it is a neon sign!?!?”

I know that I need to work on my self-esteem. I get it. But, reading a book in public with a bright red cover announcing to the world that I need to work on my self-esteem is a bit much.

Thanks but no thanks.

I am off to find a self-help book with a cover with a fake title (something like “Most Intelligent Thing Ever Written” or “Idioms of Science” or “Andi is Beautiful”)—something that will help me feel better about myself as I read it in public and have people look and me and think, “Wow! That gal is smart!” or “That gal is beautiful!”

Perhaps this exercise in realizing the stupidity of the choices of some people and companies is the first lesson in raising my self-esteem. Heck—I know, given the chance, I could come up with a better cover for this book. Looks like my therapist won—I just said something nice about myself!

mad/sad

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My job, an unrelenting struggle for perfection, frustrating family relationships, and countless other things lead me to a therapist a few years ago. It took a long time for me to come around to seeing a therapist (that’s what my friends are for, right?) but I can’t imagine where I’d be now without her. She’s fabulous and if she weren’t my therapist I’d totally want to be friends with her.

My dear friend K has long seen a therapist who she calls Niles. I love that: 1. Because I love David Hyde Pierce and 2. K is incredibly witty and I don’t know anyone else who would call his/her therapist Niles. So for the purposes of this blog my therapist needs an alias. But I won’t steal Niles (even though I want to). Instead I’ll go with Jane. Why? Because Jane Lynch was a hilarious psychiatrist on Two and a Half Men.

Jane Lynch

Jane Lynch the psychiatrist. Picture her when I talk about Jane, my therapist.

Anyhow… Jane and I have been discussing mad. Such a basic emotion, right? Well no. Not for me. I don’t do mad. I suck at mad. But I’m awesome at sad. I feel sad a lot and I understand it. I’ll go so far as to say that I’m an excellent crier.

But mad feels wrong to me. So instead of feeling mad I turn the feelings inward and get sad. But today was different. I walked to my car feeling sad and annoyed. And then I stopped myself and thought “Am I really sad? Am I really annoyed? — Hell no. I’m mad.” And when I got to Jane’s office and told her about this, she told me to name five things I was mad about. And I did! It was hard to do, but I did it. I succeeded at mad! Sort of. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t sound mad. And I cried. But still – yay me!

This can only be described as a breakthrough. I’m going to work on accepting mad as a valid emotion. Mad can be good. Mad can be productive. Mad can kick sad’s ass.