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Author Archives: Roya

calendar of hate – no, really

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I hate having low self-esteem.

Yepp.

After Andi’s post last week I found it particularly amusing that this was my calendar page on Friday. And yes, G and I bought a calendar of hate to keep us entertained at work. That is all.

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mad/sad

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My job, an unrelenting struggle for perfection, frustrating family relationships, and countless other things lead me to a therapist a few years ago. It took a long time for me to come around to seeing a therapist (that’s what my friends are for, right?) but I can’t imagine where I’d be now without her. She’s fabulous and if she weren’t my therapist I’d totally want to be friends with her.

My dear friend K has long seen a therapist who she calls Niles. I love that: 1. Because I love David Hyde Pierce and 2. K is incredibly witty and I don’t know anyone else who would call his/her therapist Niles. So for the purposes of this blog my therapist needs an alias. But I won’t steal Niles (even though I want to). Instead I’ll go with Jane. Why? Because Jane Lynch was a hilarious psychiatrist on Two and a Half Men.

Jane Lynch

Jane Lynch the psychiatrist. Picture her when I talk about Jane, my therapist.

Anyhow… Jane and I have been discussing mad. Such a basic emotion, right? Well no. Not for me. I don’t do mad. I suck at mad. But I’m awesome at sad. I feel sad a lot and I understand it. I’ll go so far as to say that I’m an excellent crier.

But mad feels wrong to me. So instead of feeling mad I turn the feelings inward and get sad. But today was different. I walked to my car feeling sad and annoyed. And then I stopped myself and thought “Am I really sad? Am I really annoyed? — Hell no. I’m mad.” And when I got to Jane’s office and told her about this, she told me to name five things I was mad about. And I did! It was hard to do, but I did it. I succeeded at mad! Sort of. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t sound mad. And I cried. But still – yay me!

This can only be described as a breakthrough. I’m going to work on accepting mad as a valid emotion. Mad can be good. Mad can be productive. Mad can kick sad’s ass.

 

he had her at sustainability

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Women tend to hone in on one or two things about a guy (or girl if that’s who they so desire) that really make them swoon. For Kate, it’s glasses. And if he’s a scientist or post doc candidate in glasses… oh you better watch out.

For Z, it’s sustainability.

Tonight we met up with a group of friends and friends of friends for happy hour and dinner.  The entire group was fabulous – smart, nice, engaging, progressive, creative. And most everyone in the restaurant was super hip. After a few margaritas and getting over the feeling that I’m not cool enough to be with such a kicky group, I started to feel like I was in a movie. You know those shots of the big group sitting around the table with drinks and 10 conversations going and laughing and overall wonderfullness? Yeah. I was in that tonight.

Anyhow… Z is chatting with this guy who starts talking about his job: working with a community organization, focusing on sustainability, recycling, etc. Well friends, he had her at sustainability. Tonight she can go to sleep painting mental pictures of a solar-powered future together. Or maybe just a few fun dates.

As I was driving home, it dawned on me: I don’t know what my “thing” is! What makes my heart pitter-patter when I meet someone new? How can I fall in love and live happily ever after if I don’t even know what my “thing” is that makes a guy irresistible to me?

The truth is that I probably do know what my “thing” is and I’m just too damn scared to tell the world or even myself. Because f I don’t define or vocalize what I want, then I never have to be disappointed with not getting it.

I need to change that.

possibly the most interesting man in Pittsburgh

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Upon returning from our brilliant vacation in Mexico, my furnace died.

Actually, it died while we were gone. I came home and my house was 51 degrees. Since I had a delayed flight and my car was dead when I finally got to it, my return home was later than I had planned and I was too tired to deal with it. S, who was watching my furry cat babies while we were away, left a note that she thought she messed up the thermostat. I was hopefully that was the only problem. No such luck.

So I called the heating and cooling guy who fixed my AC over the summer. He’s the guy who does work for my contractor boyfriend (not really my boyfriend but he’s done some great work on my houses and if I had more money I’d have him redo the whole place) so I figure he must be a good character with good rates.

Well the heating and cooling guy is certainly a character. Probably the most interesting man I’ve met in Pittsburgh. or anywhere for that matter.

On Wednesday evening, he was here for two hours. I think he did about 30 minutes of work, and the rest of the time he talked. And talked. And told me about how he used to have a great house that was foreclosed on. It was nice when he bought it, but great once he added to it. It had an in-ground pool, waterfall, outdoor kitchen, etc. His wife raised the kids and he ran a business.

His wife never worked until his large heating and cooling business went under because he was screwed by a very large job that never paid. She fell into a great job making good money and she told him to move out. So he went to live with his mother. She called and said come home. So he did. And within a month she had lost her job. He said it was okay and they’d make do. Then he learned that she found out she was being let go just a few days before she asked him to come home. Needless to say, the marriage didn’t last. So he’s back to living with his mother.

He tried to fix my furnace. He did a repair and told me to call him in the morning and let him know if the heat stayed on. We went to the ATM so I could pay him cash for the service call. Shady, I know, but I totally didn’t care because I had good stories and heat in my house.

I called him Thursday and left a message. He must have missed the message, but showed up at my door Thursday night to see if I had heat, which I didn’t. He started it again and tried another fix.

Thursday night I learned that he was reckless in his 20s. And he spent two years in jail for selling cocaine to major league baseball players. He loves baseball! He’s clean now and has been for a long time. From observation, he runs on caffeine and nicotine now.

He called Friday morning at 7:30 to check on the heat. Then came over. Quit simply, the furnace couldn’t stay on and since it was 18 years old, it wasn’t worth sinking more money into. So we went down to the wholesaler and I bought a new furnace. Then stopped at the ATM to give him $100 cash. He and a guy came over at 5:30 Friday night to install it. They were here until 11 p.m.

That’s when I learned he was an only child. His father was an Irish immigrant who was kind as can be until he had four drinks in him. That’s when he turned into a mean drunk who had to be fetched from the bar. He was raised to fight but is afraid of mice. His Italian mother once broke the neck of a mouse in front of him and his kids and to this day it gives him the creeps.

If I could make the time and commitment, I could write a novel about this guy. Others might be frustrated by his timing and rambling but I’m intrigued and fascinated.

I have a hard time with small talk and meeting new people because I’m so uncomfortable with who I am. That’s why I love meeting people who just put themselves out there and have no fear about showing anyone and everyone who they are. It’s a little crazy and totally inspirational.

Suck it, 2011!

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Okay. I shouldn’t be so belligerent seeing as there are still three days left in the year and I’ll be traveling the friendly skies on one of them. And my car is in the shop awaiting diagnosis. Still plenty of time left for 2011 to give me another wallop.

But really, I’m over you 2011. You were not kind to me and I’m ready for us to part ways. Some of the highlights:

  • I smashed the side of my car and, being the classy lady I am, waited 11 months to have it fixed, complements of my dad. Yepp. That’s right. A special X-Mas gift from father to daughter – a new passenger side door on a 2002 Mazda.
  • I went to Disney World for the first time ever at the age of 32. Since Andi and I were together it was tons of fun, but not the trip I had planned. I had ambitiously decided to train for the Disney Princess Half Marathon.  But injury kept me on the sidelines. It was an ambitious plan because, well, I don’t run. I suggest if you have any inclination to train for any kind of race that you make sure you actually like running before you register. Just sayin.
  • June offered another stay at the Shadyside Resort and Spa (AKA UPMC Shadyside Hospital). It was four glorious days of backless hospital gowns, gelatin dessert and tests. Third time was not a charm but the flowers from friends and family were lovely.
  • A psychic told me she was sad for my soul. Seriously.
  • My job. Read into that what you will.
  • General depression and disappointment. (I know, very vague and not parallel to the other items but it’s my blog entry and I’m leaving it that way.)

But I’m going into 2012 optimistic. Andi and I decided the best way to kick off a new year is to run away. So we’re going to the Riviera Maya for a week. It will be wonderful and fabulous and a brilliant start to what I have decided will be the best year ever. EVER. Adios, 2011.